Stalking is often seen as unsettling or obsessive behaviour, but it is more complicated than that. For many men, stalking reflects deeper, more dangerous patterns of control and power dynamics in relationships. These behaviours, particularly when coupled with coercive control, can escalate into violence, including homicide.
According to Phillip Ripper, CEO of No to Violence, a leading Australian organisation that works with men who use family violence, stalking is not an isolated issue, but part of a larger, deeply rooted problem of gendered power and control.
With over 30 years of experience working directly with men, No to Violence is committed to understanding the complex motivations behind such behaviour. Crime Stoppers Victoria spoke with Mr Ripper to gain insight into the question, ‘Why do people stalk?’
Ripper emphasises that stalking is not just about obsession or curiosity—it’s a behaviour often tied to patterns of coercive control. “We still have a lot to learn about people who use family violence and the different motivations they have, but what is increasingly clear is that stalking is part of a suite of behaviours that include coercive control as the underlying dynamic.”
“When tied with coercive control, stalking behaviour is a real red flag. A highly significant factor used by men who have gone on to murder their intimate partner or ex-partner,” Ripper says.
In fact, research shows that stalking is a major risk factor in intimate partner homicides. Ripper points out that nearly two thirds of ex-partner homicides involve stalking, and 96% of those cases involve male perpetrators. “Stalking is one of those key risk factors,” he says.
The motivations behind stalking can be varied, but they are often tied to wanting a sense of control over the victim. In a survey of men who have engaged in stalking behaviours, 20% reported that their goal was to simply “annoy” the victim, while another 20% wanted to hurt their victim’s feelings, and 11% were seeking to humiliate them. But these figures don’t tell the whole story.
Ripper stresses control is a central issue. “Wanting to have control over their partner is a major factor,” he says.
“When a man feels his ability to control his partner is being challenged, especially after a breakup, he may stalk his partner as a way of reasserting that control.
Men who have used coercive control in relationships often find it hard to let go when the relationship ends. These men may increase attempts to control their ex-partner by escalating violence when they sense they are losing power—whether real or perceived.
“When that relationship ends, that man, who may have used coercive control during the relationship, is now at a point where his opportunities to exercise that control and power have diminished. He may then escalate his behaviour by stalking his ex-partner,” Ripper explains.
Stalking is often misrepresented in popular culture as a behaviour primarily driven by women, but this portrayal is inaccurate. According to Ripper, “Men are overwhelmingly stalking others,” particularly in cases involving ex-partner homicide. This stark reality is obscured by the cultural trope of the obsessive woman, which can divert attention from the true dangers of stalking. It also undermines the severity of the issue.
As Ripper points out, ” The power dynamic that is at play is highly dangerous. Stalking and coercive control are used to gain power and control over victim-survivors.”
The power imbalance that underpins stalking is a critical factor. “When you look at the fundamental issue that people seek to gain power and control over victim survivors, it is so often men in positions of privilege and power using behaviours to control others,” Ripper explains.
Ripper emphasises, “The popular culture [examples of stalking] might make for a good movie, but it does not reflect the dangerous reality. Women experience fear and disruption to their lives because of stalking.”
To address stalking and its connection to family violence, organisations like No to Violence provide critical services. Their Men’s Referral Service offers support for men who want to take responsibility for their violent or controlling behaviour. Ripper emphasises that behaviour change programs play a key role in facilitating opportunities for men to confront stalking and their other harmful behaviours.
“No to Violence works with men on understanding the impact of their behaviour, understanding issues of power and control, the choices they have made and the impact of their choices on their partner or ex-partner,” Ripper says. These programs aim to hold men accountable for their behaviour to encourage them to reflect on their attitudes and behaviours so that they make different choices in the future.
One effective intervention, according to Ripper, is encouraging men to recognise when their attempts to control others are escalating to become more frequent and all encompassing.
“If you feel like you want to know what your ex-partner is doing and want to control any aspect of their life, that’s a red flag,” Ripper explains.
“It’s a sign that the behaviour is unhealthy, and you may need to seek support.”
Prevention, Ripper argues, starts with changing attitudes. People need to challenge harmful behaviours when they see them and provide the space for men to reflect on their actions.
“I think people are building their confidence to speak up or act when they see things that aren’t right,” he says.
Simple phrases like “I’m not sure what you’re saying is quite on the mark,” or “Maybe you should talk to someone about that,” can prompt men to reflect on their attitudes and seek help before their behaviour escalates.
Ripper advocates for men to take responsibility for their actions and seek support if they find themselves trying to control or manipulate their partner.
Stalking is more than just a nuisance; it is a dangerous behaviour that signals deeper issues of power and control. As Phillip Ripper highlights, it is often part of a broader pattern of coercive control, which causes serious harm and can lead to intimate partner homicide. By addressing the root causes of stalking—such as gender inequality, maintenance of traditional male roles, and control —we can begin to take meaningful steps toward preventing family violence and protecting victim survivors.
Men who recognise the warning signs in their own behaviour and take responsibility can break these cycles and build healthier relationships. Support services like No to Violence Men’s Referral Service are available to help men make those changes, but the first step is recognising the problem and the harm it causes.
Resources
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