So… Will It Be You?
Technology is woven into everyday life. It helps us stay connected, organise our routines and feel safe. But in some relationships, those same tools can be used to monitor, control or intimidate.
Tech-facilitated abuse is often subtle at first. It can feel like concern, coincidence or even care. Over time, it can become a pattern that limits your privacy, independence or sense of safety.
If something feels off, it is worth paying attention to. This checklist is designed to help you reflect on what you are experiencing, without pressure or judgment.
Ask yourself:
- Does someone else know your passwords, PINs or passcodes when you did not freely choose to share them?
- Have you been pressured to unlock your phone, share your screen, or hand over your device?
- Do apps appear on your phone that you do not remember installing?
- Has someone insisted on setting up your phone, accounts or security “for you”?
What this can mean:
Control over your device can mean control over your information, conversations and movements.
Consider:
- Does someone know where you are at all times, even when you have not told them?
- Are you expected to keep location sharing turned on?
- Do they question you about places you have been based on digital evidence (maps, check-ins, tagged photos)?
- Have you found devices (like AirTags or other trackers) you cannot account for?
What this can mean:
Tracking can be used to monitor your movements and reduce your sense of freedom.
Reflect on:
- Are you expected to reply immediately to messages or calls?
- Do you receive repeated calls or messages if you do not respond quickly?
- Does someone check your “last seen,” read receipts, or online status and question you about it?
- Do they accuse you of hiding something based on your activity online?
What this can mean:
This can create pressure to be constantly available and accountable.
Think about:
- Has someone asked for access to your social media accounts?
- Do they tell you what you can or cannot post?
- Have they posted on your behalf or impersonated you online?
- Do they monitor who you follow, like or interact with?
What this can mean:
Your online identity and relationships may be controlled or manipulated.
Ask:
- Have you received threatening, intimidating or degrading messages?
- Has someone threatened to share private images, messages or information?
- Do they use screenshots, recordings or saved messages against you?
- Have they accessed your accounts to send messages pretending to be you?
What this can mean:
Technology can be used to create fear, shame or reputational harm.
Consider:
- Do you have full access to your own bank, email or service accounts?
- Has someone changed passwords or recovery details without your consent?
- Are purchases, subscriptions or services being controlled or monitored?
- Do you feel you need permission to use certain apps or services?
What this can mean:
Financial independence and access to essential services may be restricted.
Reflect on patterns:
- Do they show up unexpectedly at places you have been?
- Do they know things you have only shared privately with others?
- Do private conversations somehow get referenced later?
- Do explanations never quite add up, but are hard to prove?
What this can mean:
Repeated “coincidences” can sometimes point to monitoring or surveillance.
This matters just as much as the behaviour:
- Do you feel watched, even when you are alone?
- Have you changed your behaviour to avoid conflict or questioning?
- Do you feel anxious about using your own phone or accounts?
- Do you second-guess what is “normal” or acceptable?
What this can mean:
A loss of privacy and autonomy often shows up first as a feeling.
If You Recognise Some of These Signs
You do not need to have proof for your experience to be valid. Patterns matter more than isolated incidents.
You might consider:
- Using a safe device (like a trusted friend’s phone or a public computer) to look for information or support
- Changing passwords gradually, starting with your most important accounts
- Checking app permissions and location-sharing settings
- Speaking with a trusted friend, family member or support service
Tech-facilitated abuse is about patterns of behaviour that reduce your independence and sense of safety. It does not have to involve physical violence to be serious.
If something feels off, that feeling is worth paying attention to. And if you are supporting someone, your steady presence can make more difference than you might realise.